Maria Conceicao (Connie) Fernandes

Written in memory of Maria Conceicao Fernandes, my Nana
February 16, 1920 – September 20, 2007

I have been searching for words to describe what I've been feeling for over a year now and this beautiful poem I came across today written by David M. Romano, helped me to do so...

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me:

I wish you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too:

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.


But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

...I never imagined hearing about the death of my Nana just three days on arriving in the UK. The one line mail from Uncle Bully tore my heart and all of a sudden I felt lonelier than ever. I never realised how much I loved her until she was gone. I had no one to grieve with and it upset me that I could not be there for her funeral to say my last goodbyes and it upsets me even more today that I am not able to be there with my family and relatives at her first death anniversary mass. This is why I want to share this with all of you present. Forgive my self-indulgence, but this is my last gift to her, the words I searched for...a year ago.

She was the last of my grandparents, and definitely the one with whom I spent most of my growing years with. Her death wasn't expected, to me at least. And yet, it put an end to her suffering which my Mama told me she went through during her last hours. For all those who were with her till the very end, I know it must have given her great comfort to know that all of you were there for her till her last breath.

You can call me selfish: but deep down, I wish she were still alive. I always thought we would get a chance to celebrate her 90th birthday. I still remember the time we celebrated her 80th birthday. Aunty Chicky organised it in Hotel Bismarck in their restaurant called ‘Sticky Fingers’. All her friends and the parish priests were invited. She had a lot of friends even at her age as she was a member of the Senior Citizens group as well as the Charismatic group in Vasco. She must have felt like a teenager again at the party and it was fun to see her friends playing the games we organised.

I will miss her more this Christmas as I will be coming home for a month in December after a year and three months. The day before I left for UK, I remember her asking me when I would return and I said after two years. She gave me her blessings and we hugged and kissed not knowing it would be our last. I wish I had also told her how much I loved her. I just took it for granted that she would be waiting for me on my return, just like she did, every time I went back to Mumbai.

Nana used to share my bed at home and every morning, I would get up and watch her sleep. My greatest fear was that she would die in her sleep next to me and I used to pray to God for that to never happen. Maybe she knew my fear and so she died without me being there, leaving only memories of her smiling face and our moments spent together.

I will also never forget her requests to go for Midnight mass every Christmas Eve. She was one stubborn person and I know that even at her age, she would have walked alone if no one wanted to accompany her. She always thought of it being her last Midnight mass and in a way, 2006 was. I am happy she got her wish.

Nana always had well-groomed white curly hair, and I rarely caught a glimpse of her without her powdered face. Every time she left the house, she was all dressed up. She liked to have nice things, and took a great deal of pride in the things she had, as well as herself and her family. Mama used to buy her a new Christmas outfit every year because she never wanted to wear anything that was worn before, even if it was worn three years ago.

She was also a remarkable tailor. She stitched my First Communion dress. I was the only girl in a pink dress but I was proud of it because it was stitched with so much love and affection. I am sure at some point of time during her life, most of us would have got the opportunity to have something either stitched or altered by Nana.

I’m glad to have had some of these memories refreshed today. Each of you who loved her will have your own treasured memories; they cloud the unhappiness of her absence in our lives. But mostly, I’m glad that today, Nana is looking down on you, with Paizin, Uncle Felico and Mark at her side, smiling, because you are all here together. God bless you Nana. We love you and miss you very much.